Compassionate Self Awareness

Compassionate Self Awareness

“I can develop a non-judgmental awareness of myself, accept what I discover, and be fully willing to change. But I lack the power to heal myself. Only my Higher Power can do that.” Courage to Change, Jan. 31.

I love the recovery I have found in Overeaters Anonymous. In the 11 months I’ve been in the program (51-pound weight loss), I feel I’m getting to know myself for the first time. I’m currently working steps six and seven and, with the help of my Higher Power, slowly but surely developing a non-judgmental awareness of myself and my character defects. I’ve certainly gained self-awareness through step work over the years in other programs, but the awareness was frequently a judgmental one. I could only seem to see the flaws and the defects, and the inner critic was always pointing out that I could do better, that I was not doing enough, that I was doing it wrong, and that I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t able to allow myself to be human or to just be. I lacked self-compassion and self-love.

By writing an inventory and working on step six, I looked at my character defects (which I realized were really survival traits) and saw how each of them had served a purpose in getting me where I am today. I then looked at what they were doing “to me” and how they no longer served me. I started to look at them through a lens of neutrality instead of a magnifying glass of judgment. Doing so gives me the freedom to look at the parts of myself that I was always so afraid of or deemed unacceptable. When I deem a quality to be unacceptable, I become unwilling to bring it into the light of my Higher Power, and yet healing only comes through that light.

Now, instead of meeting myself with hostility when I behave in a way I’d rather not, I am trying to meet myself with compassion and ask questions about why I am behaving that way. I can get curious instead of getting judgmental. I can examine how I am feeling — afraid, hurt, anxious? I am letting go of the “should;” you shouldn’t be anxious to present in front of the CEO; you shouldn’t get short with your husband; you shouldn’t get nervous when you have to lead a team of people at work or do something you’ve never done before.

Only when I accept what is there (even if I don’t like it) and have a willingness to change can I ask for my Higher Power’s help to be different. And then I remember that my defects get removed on my Higher Power’s time. I remember that the whole point of having my defects removed is so that I can be of greater service to my fellows. And if a defect persists, I can see it as an opportunity for more acceptance and to grow my self-compassion rather than meet it with more judgment. I then find that I am kinder and more tolerant of others as well. As our literature says, I can make a mistake without seeing myself as the mistake. ~Kristen D.

These comments are based on the member’s personal experience, strength, and hope gained through working Overeaters Anonymous 12 Steps and Traditions and using the tools of the program.

Please send your blog submissions to blog@oasv.org. We look forward to hearing from you and to sharing your story of experience, strength and hope with others on this amazing journey of OA recovery from compulsive eating through the Twelve Steps.